insofar as...

contexxxt @ 2006-07-31T18:58:00

2006-08-01T00:27:05Z

saturday night i came home to find a huge shindig for Teach for America going on under our apartment. a live band was wretching out jazzy covers of "On Broadway" and "The Wall"

the music shook the entire building.
This lasted well into the night.
i passed out to this....

Later i dreamed that Billy Corgan and Jamie Foxx collaborated on a rare acoustic performance of "thirty-three" in my living room.

summer vacation, almost over now, was scolding and i worked about 96% of it away into oblivion. i really enjoyed occupying my life with Work so much so that all i had time left for was sleep. in its own context, summer 06 is the best ever. hopefully i can keep the momentum going until i get my fucking masters, at least.

the key seems to be Abstinence and staying (socially) Underground, judging from the results that occur when i deviate from the two.
I can very well handle that for the next 3 years.

saturday will be my first day off, and only one upcoming in the near future, since the 13th of July, yet I think I'm going to pick up volunteer hours at the Relay instead.

whenever i'm in plaquemine, such as now, i'm reminded of how Kim just happened to get unexpectedly stuck here one day, though she thought she was on her way to a family dinner.
now in a place she barely knew, a small family plot in a smaller town none of the younger children are too familiar with, right along the highway.

honestly, i'm now stuck on the fact that i, and everyone else, will actually just drop from existence like that any moment now.
however, i'm not really concerned with anything at all though.
i dont mind it being so humdrum

boo hoo...
in other news, i'm banking on the hope that dr.Dan will friend me on facebook and
that someone will finally form a band doing sappy acoustic covers with me.
oh and perhaps that Gena will actually come home.

contexxxt @ 2006-07-26T21:24:00

2006-07-27T02:40:21Z

our apartment is beautiful.

it is, as a matter of fact, haunted though.
it's big and partially empty which emphasizes, especially at night, how respectively boring and completely empty my life and vagina have been in the past 4 months.

on tuesdays and thursdays, Capitol Grocery directly underneath us has various live performances, literally right at my doorstep.

a man who is always sitting on his porch in a wifebeater shouts across the street to me at least 2 times a day "hey gorgeous!!"

today the doorbell rang, and the whole fucking neighborhood was at my doorstep. apparently Myerscough's cat Clyde had hopped onto the roof (a usual occurrence) and the neighborhood took action, wanting to see the cat safely on solid ground.

my neighbors, people i don't even know, are overly friendly and overly-engaged in my life.
more so than even I am.

i haven't had a chance to enjoy much of this. i've been working every day since the 13th and won't have a day to myself until possibly the 11th of August.

i could grow to like this area, once i get a chance to stop working worrying and actually enjoy my days.
we have a nice view of the capital, and a large enclosed balcony thats just the right height/privacy to allow for me to step out in my underwear and lounge at night.

by the time i come home i only have energy for an evening jog(chug) around the capitol, some domestic chores, and then passing out for the next day.

when i'm feeling frisky, i put on a cute outfit/makeup and drive to the only 24 hour Walmart in operation, all the way to Central, Louisiana. usually at midnight.

i'm eager for school, for my real wages at the Relay center to get established, for the fall, for my birthday.
i can see the remainder of 06 getting better, fucking finally.

perhaps i'll even begin to emerge from Underground.
visit our apartment: movies, live music, drinking, night-blooming jasmine lemongrass growing on the balcony, etc.

contexxxt @ 2006-06-24T00:55:00

2006-06-24T06:40:46Z

lauren and i were finally given the key to what is likely the most Historically Gay apartment in town.

I was excited when I signed the lease a month ago.
but a build of summer heat and general chagrin smolders my momentum lately.

due to working about 17 hours a day, my "free" time is now usually within the 90 minutes from when i arrive home at night to when i pass out.
this leaves me with no time to myself which is ideal for now, yet as you can imagine, leaves life overall bereft.
i can usually handle/ignore this.

but lately, i'll waste this free time, ruefully caught up, nostalgic for things i can no longer want, and even a bit weepy.
ghey.
i hope it's just my rag.

at least my bedroom *almost* resembles a modest antebellum ballroom.

contexxxt @ 2006-06-07T12:11:00

2006-06-07T19:17:44Z

I honestly ~~don't~~ can't care about anything outside of my own immediate realm.
current events, latest injustices, new movie releases, upkeep of internet and/or social persona/lj posts, the newest shitty music, etc.
judge that however.
I can't afford it when my own circumstances are bearing down and demanding all of my efforts.
however, my efforts there are being rewarded, seemingly, for now at least.

Even with the increasing summer swelter, i enjoy my job more and more.
the Baton Rouge horti-scene, or at least how i romanticize that there is one, is jumpin.
i enjoy the local celebs, such as Fred Heroman, huffy yet adorable, capering around and ranting about his begonias.
Occasionally some of da Boyz (random licensed contractors in polo-and-khaki-short summerwear) will gather and trade the latest insider info straight from da streets : "Man, ain't NUTHIN like that BlackJack soil, heavy when moist, it's got that fiyah."

I like our familial staff.
A new 15 year old girl, goofy in that teen-aged way, whom
I can take under my wing.

In that brazen+shameless way youths have, she once burst into the building to inquire about the price of a certain plant, called caladium. Interrupting the conversation i was having with a customer: "Alicia, are the CHLAMYDIAs still on sale?" priceless moments followed, of course. I schooled her on the plant's pronunciation and wondered how long she'd been calling it by an std.

The older boys with whom I can joke, curse, complain, and make sophomoric emphasis on things.
such as Entergy's public safety Agenda to winkwink "Dig Safely"

bantering; Almost like older brothers as long as i tune out inbetween requests to, "girl, holla"

I'd developed a crush on one of the managers.
probably just to make the time past a bit more quickly on a particular slow day.
as usual, by the end of the day I'd become disenchanted with him.
humdrum and literal, i thought.
One day, however, he inadvertently reinstated himself.
While I was working near the back area of the store, organizing and stocking daylilies, I noticed him hovering nearby in the shrubs.
Creepy enough.
So i addressed him, and he, in turn, sauntered over and began caressing one of the daylilies.
alicia, Do you know the name of this one?
me, skeptically: no dude, what.
he, suggestively: ultra persuasion.
and he promptly sauntered off.

i loved the fact that i couldn't really even interpret what the interaction was supposed to mean.
having a combination of weird taste and bad judgment concerning these matters,
i am admittedly attracted* to someone who would have to nerve to make an innuendo out of a species cultivar name.

*of course, only as a potential new pal to share the off-color and offensive context i like to put everything in.

Since my Devastation '06, i've chosen to work, sleep, and be Alone.
surprisingly, it's an enjoyable lifestyle.

there are certain things I've developed urges for:
-leisuring in Kisatchie National park.
-the Burden Center
-garden shows

i also indulge myself.
Like this morning, instead of going to work, i decided to peruse several local hardware stores.
i then spent 2 hours pruning/fertilizing my temporary garden of container specimens.
i really enjoy being outside, at my own accord only, in the heat.
Other leisure activities for the day will include
-jogging
-buying clothes/cosmetics.
-cruising to my outdated 90s alternative tracks on repeat. today's feature: smashing pumpkins' "glynis" and "stumbeleine"

so cathartic for some fucking reason.
all a bit shameful too.

usually, i have two people whom i could coerce into joining me on these useless whims and adventures.
actually, they would volunteer themselves. because they enjoy such things.
this has been the hardest to cope with.

in March, i should have answered Kimyetta when she called for me to "C'mon, licia" instead of being a bitch and pretending like I didn't hear her for a second. I didn't feel like getting back out of the car. I didn't know she was planning to ride back to the church with her older brother, in his new, short-lived car.
Perhaps I could have at least asked where she was going, convinced her to ride back in our car in the same way we had arrived there at first. or at least, just asked her to Wait.

I don't know what i could have done a month later. one night, I was tired of Everything, so i literally jumped out of the car at a stoplight, after telling Fred, "i'm really not even mad at you. I just understand how this is going to be."
at that time we weren't really ourselves, and to his credit, Fred had earnestly tried to do everything i wanted that day (involving a nice wholesome trip to the lakes in Alexandria) but everything had soured in the course of the day, everything being plans, sincerely good intentions, my stance on our relationship.
it wasn't anyone's fault.
it was just set up to play out. i realized that was just our particular pattern with each other, good intentions quickly spoiling over, it would always occur just like that.
so
being his own person, fred made his own choice of how to handle this breakup. and being my own, i made my choice. while i realize that we're entirely WRONG for each other in that context, I do regret not that it ended but the manner in which it did.

roll your eyes I sincerely enjoyed fred, loved him, and often miss his company.

which is obvious, to put up with whatever i have with him that 2 year period.
his severe actions resulting from the breakup hurt in the sense that we were both owed more than that.
people make their own choices though, and for the most part, i'm wary of their reasoning.
so i can do without them, and I typically always have, opting to just be accountable for my own faulty antics.

so anyway,
internet posting is ultra gay.
so was the Omen.

contexxxt @ 2006-05-15T18:02:00

2006-05-15T23:23:30Z

Clegg's

My job gets exponentially better.

Today I was enjoying the morning weather, lazily browsing through the hibiscus (with a hot customer) along the front fence of our store (facing N. Donmoor)
I looked up just in time to see SEVENDUST turning the corner on foot onto Florida Blvd.

Mildly excited, I was determined to at least get an autographed something from them. I waited a patient 40-minutes for the band to return, occasionally glancing out the window to catch them. They finally appeared and, apparently, had walked to the Wendy's on Florida(huh?).

I grabbed two pamphlets on Shrub Rose Bushes and headed out. Upon nearing the group, I realized that it wasn't Sevendust at all. I honestly had no fucking clue who they were, though they were wearing concert staff/support tags. I played it off well, asking if they were playing the show tonight, engaging in small conversation where it was revealed that they were called Hour Cast.

One of the fellows pulled out his own handy Silver Metallic sharpie. He was so eager to sign for a fan, so happy; how could i take that away from him? The band set their Wendy's cups and baggies on the ground, and each member signed my pamphlets.

Of course, i had to check the internetz to make sure they were legit.

after the excitement, i sat inside the air-conditioned office, listening to soothing 90.3, and sporadically helping customers.
oh, and then Clegg's employees had free birthday cake and pizza.
and i get paid to do this.

score.

Summer '06: I

2006-05-14T01:02:21Z

The most important point of this update is my new Angel-Wing begonia:

in the evening sunlight, it actually seems to glow fire-engine red.
My "phonecam" can't really capture it, in the background the areas of the plant giving off the effect look like a high contrast mishap.

My begonia will be the cornerstone of this balcony garden I'm planning.
my own eden on the second floor of a historic shanty.
leading to another note: Lauren M. and I are moving into the Capitol Grocery apartment in July.
I'm more excited about designing and furnishing this balcony than my bedroom.
I daydream about all activities this outdoor living room will accommodate - relaxing after work, possibly sleeping there at night during the summer, doing homework, fellatio, watching hurricanes, entertaining guests, entertaining myself with tequila.

though, Lauren's room will be the one to catch the Spanish Town parade.

I love my job. I'm finally confident in my choice for a major.
Mainly because it has validated my dream to eventually retire (in my mid-40's) a Woman of Leisure/Idle Wealth, spending the mornings working in the gardens and then the afternoons hosting cocktail parties there.
You really wouldn't believe how many women in Baton Rouge do this daily.

My coworkers are fun, the store's patrons are interesting (very mixed demographic), and i'm being paid to stroll around in a beautiful environment, tend to plants, and tell customers my opinion of what they should purchase.
There are elitists for every situation. Of course I'm attracted to them, the slightly disheveled, 30-something-aged landscape contractors/architects/firm owners who spend a bit more time than necessary in the store; cutting jokes about the Home-Depot garden department, giving their opinion at any opportunity, and basically making the nursery their own kingdom.
i'm unimpressed by their hot air, and this behavior in general, yet am still swooning due to bad judgment. young "broads" rarely learn their lesson.

contexxxt @ 2006-04-20T21:26:00

2006-04-21T02:50:51Z

catastrophe '06: #18

my quaint home on Mcgrath has fallen apart.
this is not surprising at all.
especially for me.

another case of a young girl driven to desperate measures:

i was in a predicament where the property on which my beautiful Acadian Thruway bachlorette pad resided had been sold, forcing me and the landlord to find new homes. in 2 days' notice.

i needed a home close to campus, immediately available, decent condition, and affordable.
the "fate" that i found so favorable came from that fact that i found exactly what i needed when i needed it.
the fact that it would only be made possible by moving in with Fred under MY condition of being only "roommates" had to be overlooked in light of the situation.

i'd like to clarify that i was never a dumb, starry-eyed broad about the success of moving in with that man. i was always aware that it would only be a matter of time until it ended.

19 Jan 2006|12:20am

-i understand that i'm "fucking retarded" (jessica) for allowing any of it to happen.
but somehow it's working out well. this time.
just like all lifetime movies that climax with a lake drag and end in a courtroom or prison scene.

details aside, that time came, about 36 hours ago.
trailer-park antics on his part, boo-fuckng-hoo, some tears, and then sour eggs/milk all over his car,
and... tada, i'm over it.
really.

so it's almost summer, semester's end.
more options for rent will be available than there was back in February.
more reasonable options for a decent roommate if it comes down to it.

all i plan to do this summer is work at this nursery, a new job that i actually enjoy, cultivate a lush garden, and knock out two independent study courses. i want nothing reckless, nothing stressful. the past 4 months have provided more than enough.

i'm looking for a nice housing situation where i can accomplish just this.
any tips?

contexxxt @ 2006-03-20T15:13:00

2006-03-20T22:55:09Z

on the 10th, i attended the funeral of an elderly, ill great-aunt in Plaquemine. I intended to ride with my Aunt Rose and her three children, twin boys, and younger daughter Kimyetta. They live just 7 minutes away near mid-city and I come to their house often. In fact, I'm there now, but this is another story. I ended up driving myself to P-town due to the fact that I couldn't find a certain pair of pants in time.
After the funeral, the church emptied. I honestly wasn't devastated as most people will not be if they are not that close or familiar with the deceased. I focused more on the opportunity to see close family members I realized I hadn't seen in ages. My older cousin Kendra who lives in Maryland now and will be moving to Africa for her husband's career soon. Her sister Laconas who moved to Lafayette. A few others.
Kimyetta and I hung together waiting for the "adults" who were driving to finally stop talking and follow the procession out to Bayou Goula cemetery. Kim and I are the younger girls in our immediate family circle, after Kendra and Connie. We hang out alot; she's basically a younger (15) sister to me.
The women in our family love to talk, and with the occassion at hand it was understandable. The procession had already left at this point and the drive to the cemetery would take a good 25 minutes.
Kimyetta's brother, had just gotten his first car a few days before. Impatient, he decided to take his own car to the cemetery though he would rather have ridden with someone else. The other twin brother was relegated to driving the family car with his mom and some other older women. I rode with my own mother and father, and of course Kim.

Last Friday was a fucking unusually gorgeous spring day.
There wasn't a lot of sunlight, but the weather was cozy with a great breeze. Standing in a cemetary surrounded only by cane fields romanticized everything a bit more. It's amazing how everything felt good despite the fact that we were at a funeral. I haven't personally had a day like that all year. On the ride to Bayou Goula, Kim, with a bit of my own sense of humor, made a crack about how the mortician actually looked like he was born for the job. Also, about where we would be meeting after we left the cemetery: "where is the thing being held, i don't want to call it an after-party... what do you call it?" My mom laughed; I suggested Kim just call it a "gathering."

Of course there were tears, but my immediate family circle was somewhat light-hearted, smiling, happy to see those we hadn't seen in too long. We stood together watching the casket lower and then the crowd disperse. I brushed Kim's hair into place after a breeze had disheveled it a bit. We began walking back to the cars, on our way back to the church for the gathering. Kim and I decided we were both hungry and ready to get back. The adults once again kept stopping on their way to the cars to chat.
My mom made about 3 attempts to the car, traveling less than 4 feet. I just stood waiting for her to finish conversation. Kim got bored and walked over to her twin brothers, who were talking with/consoling another cousin, the one who had just buried his grandmother. She called me over, "Alicia..come on!" I just walked to my parent's car and waited with my Dad who had started the engine a while ago. Mom finally came back to the car, and I then noticed Kimyetta and one brother, Jonathan, had already left for the church.
Driving back to Plaquemine on HWY 1, my mom and the other woman riding with us were discussing the services and how they would prefer their own to be, which honestly sounded too morbid even for me.
We saw a line of cars of the shoulder of the road about 3 minutes into the ride.
I thought that perhaps the house they were in front of was having a party, but then immediately my stomach dropped. It was weird how I could feel that something was wrong, specifically just for us.

It only took three seconds, from being curious about the stopped cars to seeing one black car wrapped like a ribbon along the trunk of a young thin tree.
I could see someone in a white shirt and black pants lying next to it.

We were out in the field for probably less than an hour. Of course it felt longer.
I had to leave my shoes in the highway because I couldn't run in the grass. I never got that close to Kimyetta, though I could make out her white oxford shirt and pants. I started running after my mom and Kim's mom, Rose, but saw my cousin Jason collapse in grass, crying. I stayed to hold him, someone had to be with him, he had possibly just lost both his twin brother and younger sister. We both fell in the grass crying. The cousin who had just buried his grandmother 10 minutes ago, the one that Kim and her brothers were consoling, sat with us, holding us both.

It was weird seeing the story on the news. Channel 9 news donated seconds to the story. A car carrying a boy and his younger sister crashed. The driver survived, but would be charged with vehicular homicide. The children were speeding and weren't wearing seatbelts. Next Segment.
I'd see stories like this on the news and would think that's really all there was to it.
Looking at the footage of the car, anyone can gather that it had been forced off the road.
There is no way a single driver could have done that. Kimyetta would yell at anyone who hadn't put on their seatbelt before the car even revved. Jonathan isn't reckless, especially with his sister in the car, especially traveling from a cemetery to a church.
Apparently another driver forced them off the road, while trying to pass them, merging directly into their lane, and probably had to have hit them for them to spin off the road.
And was bold enough to continue driving down Hwy 1, leaving the carnage behind him.

There's a lot more. Kimmie's funeral was Friday. Jonathan gave me his rose, since he was in a wheelchair, to lay on Kim's casket. I let Rose and Jason lay theirs down before me. Rose simply said, "Bye, Kim." I couldn't speak at all, I honestly felt ashamed for not being able to hold myself together for her mother.

On the drive back to Plaquemine I rode with my brother, my dad, my mom, and fred. My mom commented on how this was the first time in years we'd all been in a car together. I remember her saying earlier in the week how Kimmyetta was always the one to suggest family gatherings and trips; she always wanted to keep in touch with everyone, and how everyone was already together on the day she died.
I pointed out the spot where the wreck happened to Fred when we passed it. It's odd how that tree, a thin decorative one that i can wrap my hands around, was still standing untouched. It seems it should have given in from the impact first.

guestbook link reminder for me

contexxxt @ 2006-02-20T20:49:00

2006-02-21T02:04:10Z

my new home is finally coming together.
i'd like to entertain but most people are hesitant to answer their phones.
a small house( a "fixer") that i basically have all to myself for only half the rent.

contexxxt @ 2006-01-27T15:40:00

2006-01-27T20:42:17Z

i'll pay someone to sweep/mop/clean my floor
it's not bad. i just hate doing it.
it'll take less than an hour. $20 plus benefits.

contexxxt @ 2005-12-19T14:05:00

2005-12-19T20:06:33Z

what we can validly call my Worst Academic Semester (ever) has finally ended. my last final was this morning, a make-up exam postponed from friday during the height of my near death experience that none of you knew of.
three-fourths of my courses were either a)cushy or b)material i'd mastered in high school, though i was only able to maintain an A in the most demanding, Chemistry.

repeated discussion with M.Canty has helped me realize that the rest of my mediocre grades come from mediocre distractions and my newly substandard amount of self-control. specifically:
-my libido
-general indecision
-mourning the lack of sentient automobiles
-daydreaming, specifically about a career as a Mercenary
-wasting my unsteady income on antique wrought iron knicknacks

all things i once Mastered with iron-will.
when i was 12, even though i had the opportunities to, i knew better than to skip class in favor of Antique shopping/wine or to spend the subsequent evening necking (or even talking) with dirrrty boys instead of studying what i missed.
8 years later, i miss my ambition. but i love those frivolities.
balance it for me.
i imagined my perfect adult life to be lived out in an adorable flat in Portugal, possessing 3 useless PhDs just for the sake of having them, devoting myself to my band that turns songs like the misfits' "skulls" into cute but sullen love ballads, and tending to my lush courtyard overflowing with huge wrought-iron crosses pirated from around the world.

um.
i'm excited by spring semester though.

free for a day from my sleazy job, i strolled around campus with no one else around (so perfect), raped my final, and ate with Jessica.
maybe i'm driving to breaux bridge to get M'lyn, maybe she's driving here.

regardless, i want a motherfucking picnic today.
holla, plz.

lol@your friends page.

2005-11-13T03:44:14Z

michael and i lately have the most successful hare-brained schemes to frivolously waste our incomes.

today's frugal decadence yielded a purchase of the best fucking lip balm ever, a jaunt through Victoria's Secret in search of fragrances, unbelievable numbers of judgmental/bigoted glares from passer-bys unsettled by our coupling, and

the poses resulted in our own version of a cK Obsession ad.
we promptly concluded that the image of a young,virile girl attempting to engage her (disinterested) lover with sweet nothings as the male gazes off into his own narcissism....
is pretty fucking universal.

we sped to kinko's to blow up the letter-sized portrait.
considering narcissism again:
while i would rather have an entire wall in my apartment covered by a rendering of my own face, kinko's abilities limited us to a standard poster size.

senility

2005-11-11T21:15:21Z

reviving the forgotten excitement of commandeering large oceanic vessels has been on my mind lately.
after seeing the FinnJet stationed near the levee weeks ago (there for my taking), i often fantasize masterplots of bumrushing the liner with a group of dedicated comrades and sailing into the night.
the embarrassing part is that these are not just whimsical fantasies, as i will actually frown when considering the logistics: would we even know how to steer the ship? GPS exists today, but we will most likely get sniped by br's task force before even un-anchoring.

then i'm depressed that i did not spend my 1.5 year break from school as a pirate in the Mediterranean.
backpacking through Europe sounds boring; this would have been the ultimate solution to "finding myself."

even more depressing is that the Romance i associate with this is completely wrong and outdated.
While i was honestly only looking to sail the seas with my newfound brothers, stopping to visit Oriental bazaars/fish markets and pirate some pearls and spices along the way,
Reality would find me involved, inadvertently, with human and/or drug trafficking; an internationally wanted criminal by association, no glamour as an naive+easy target shot upon sight.

elaborate masterplans like these + sex solely occupy my thoughts, but i can no longer remember how to make a Unit Circle for a math test.
i drive through Tigerland wildly searching for Michael Canty's shoulder upon which to cry over this ...
arriving at his complex, i race up the stairs, but realize that i don't remember whether he lives in apartment 31 or 32, though i've been inside his home at least 4 times by now.

contexxxt @ 2005-11-03T21:28:00

2005-11-04T02:39:09Z

we drank and decided to have our Annual midnight roadtrip to coastal mississippi.
for obvious reasons, it was markedly different this year.

i'm too exhausted for clever captions.

jump in gorge away

2005-11-01T20:17:30Z

i cradled my first bottle of Royal Bitch merlot during our birthday party on the 22nd.

being Twenty has been fun so far, but i (always) grow disenchanted.
now i believe the fun is actually only a week long headiness from living off the remaining $160 of cheap alcohol and graham crackers left over from the smores.
when home, or perhaps anywhere i go, i find myself with a handful of either, listening to Coco Rosie's "Butterscotch" and Bloc Party's "Modern Love" on repeat.

my biggest birthday wish, aside from someone washing my dishes (which my mom fulfilled), should probably have been a motherfucking intervention.

i've been waiting for a day like today for 8 months.
it is incredible outside; let's do something after 6pm.

contexxxt @ 2005-10-24T05:45:00

2005-10-24T10:44:23Z

Dax once did this cover of "Skulls" by the Misfits, making it sound somehow romantic.
because romance is usually as easy as 3 chords + crooning lyrics of pretty imagery but no meaning.
("god has kissed these dirty hands; i can not seem to understand why")

at 5a.m. with two hours left until work, amy and i are once again "studying"
tonight this means listening to my expansive dax/deadboy/agents/acidbath collection while falling in and out of sleep.

tonight i am feverish, congested, restless, and somehow still tipsy.
these all create one nice feeling of being collegiately "fucked up"

so these songs remind me of Special Projects week, senior year.
mlyn and i would wake up at 5:30a.m., smoke joints, and then frolic around the lakes/cemetery.
(the weather was perfect every damn day that week)
we'd then sit in class, watching various operas and listening to Dr. Olsen speak of his days as a nude model at the Berlin Conservatory.

fuck you naysayers; my party was surprisingly successful.
completely because of Jessica and Scott's help.
work at 6:45 was expectedly unbearable.

at one point Canty postulated that Firelight+Wine will always improve anything by at least 87%.
i agree that this helped the festivities and will probably become a trademark.

i'm so in love with my new firebowl that when i woke from a feverish sleep around 8pm to howling winds,
my only concern was to rush outside, still half-sleep, and move the bowl to shelter.
i don't remember much afterward until waking at 1am.

i've had a ministreak of Awesome, accentuated by the increasingly frigid weather:
beginning thursday afternoon when i created a nice study nook amidst some abandoned towers/hardware on the 3rd floor of Ceba. i stayed for three hours studying for an evening test.
after the test i bought a lucky red Hoodie, passed out at the sharlo residence, and somehow raped another test the next morning.
cold was friday night and in general was much more engaging than i'd thought it would be.

thursday (better identified as Lauren and Alicia's birthday),
Amy and I are going to see Dax at NorthGate.
everyone should join.
we will drink the rest of the booze(that i hid from my guests) and toast more smores my courtyard.

contexxxt @ 2005-10-22T02:21:00

2005-10-22T06:24:06Z

lala.

i lied.
9pm tonight.

contexxxt @ 2005-10-14T20:41:00

2005-10-15T04:25:36Z

i dj when amy and i drive around the city.
Motley Crue and driven 90s rock, blaring obnoxiously, windows down, air guitar/drums, etc.
everything you hate to be adjacent to at a red traffic light.
this is one of our endless alternatives to studying.

when it's time to slow down and contemplate upon reaching destination, i choose a ballad that is sentimental yet still allows me to heckle neighboring cars with "fuck yeah, man"

so my new favorite driving "tune" and currently on repeat is the Nixons - Litte Sister
the acoustic version, of course.

i'm having one of the best friday nights imaginable.
at home for the first night in a while.
stationed in my adorably furnished studio, which i just cleaned.
alternating between finishing chemistry homework and relearning to roll joints.
eventually to hop into my own bed.
preparing for tomorrow morning when i may quit my current job.
perhaps i'll venture out.
my late night endeavors don't appeal to me as much anymore.
mostly bc of the increased chances of getting killed when leaving my home at night.

i skipped work and went to classes with Amy (hers) today.
a shot of Patron, one margarita, overly rich food afterward, and short/uncomfortable sleep, in addition to wearing the same clothes/makeup as the night before, left me feeling gross and unguarded for most of the morning.(our academic support group is unbelievable)
but i did manage to create a great Freudian slip to Marshall while trying to escape Fall Fest.

lauren's and my birthday is in less than two weeks.
at some point, i will be holding a gathering, providing cheap/boxed wine, girly beers, tequila, rich desserts, and a small decorative contained fire among other things.
everyone is welcome.

i'd rather have a whimsical slumber party on the USS KIDD, which i did for my 10th birthday.
but i speculate that this time i'd be the only one to show up.
so, at least that will leave my home overstocked with alcohol for a while.
safer alternative.

contexxxt @ 2005-10-10T09:21:00

2005-10-10T13:58:34Z

it's 8am; i'm still in my unmentionables, sitting at home.
this hasn't occurred in maybe 6 months.

because my job is ghey, I've been given a day off.
yesterday being one of the worst even,
John (district manager) stormed up to me in his grease stained shirt and asked "do you want to take the piercing from your face or be taken off the schedule... permanently?"

i continued pouring sugar into a shaker, and said "let me think about it."

apparently everything i say is afflicted with this condescending/smart-alec tone.
everyone was wary of me when i first started there, thinking anything i said was in mockery of them.
i'd have to clarify in such ways as, "no dude, i really do need you to bake a waffle."
so, honestly, i did want to think about whether i wanted to continue working there.

John got upset, and
(according to the reports of my co-workers/ Canty who happened to be sitting at the high counter)

i can understand the problems of having a facial piercing and being a waitress (though no customer was ever offended by it),

i can't understand why a coworker was penalized for having "neat and clean" natural length nails, etc.
i pointed out why My Face (and other physical aspects of only the waitresses) was a top Waffle House Priority, when the fucking cooks (two managers + the regional manager on this particular day) can't even remember what type of toast to put on a plate.

or they refused to cook all 5 orders of food i had.
if you're going to do this to a waitress, at least make sure her section of customers isn't directly FACING THE MOTHERFUCKING GRILL and in clear view of your scheming.
afterward, i tried to push all of my customers to have a riot and demand their meals, 45 minutes late, be free.

i feel that since i do my job considerably well, maybe the company's attention should go to the multitudes that don't, instead if an undetectable part of my face covered by side swept bangs and a clear bandaid.

and of course, i also pulled the race card frequently throughout the confrontation.

alas.

i have a whole day free.
no sleazy waitressing job, no classes.

while i can't force myself to sleep past 9am anymore, i'll be sure to effectively use the day by carelessly wasting income and buying alcohol, clothes, etc.
call/join, plz.

i'll be seeing Cold on October 21st.
so far i'll be attending alone and perhaps Marystasia will join.
i think unbalancetheair should attend too, since i haven't actually seen her in over 2 years.

contexxxt @ 2005-10-07T15:36:00

2005-10-07T21:14:24Z

thanks to jessica marks/the sharlo household
my new favorite thing is Team America's "_________, fuck yeah!" phrase.
it's amazing how you can easily incorporate it into your daily rhetoric, complete with a cockrock singalong melody.

my whole week was spent saying "fuck yeah", drinking full bottles of wine/passing out in the backyard gazebo, [still] laughing at Moshzilla/"Aichia", and blaring the Nixon's "Little Sister" or SG's "Spoonman' to offend anyone nearby.
amazingly i felt no shame, then.
.
so collegiate/mediocre.
so liberating.

some point during Wednesday evening, i went partially deaf and was unable to complete my own sentences.
the previous 4 days of sleeping for only 2 hours a night whether in a small armchair, in a chE computer lab chair, or hunched over in our lady of lake's -23 degree lobby (in addition to the past month of literal restlessness) finally caught up with me.
not only did i miss Systolic's show with marystasia, but i honestly can't even remember sitting in a cafe with chet.

i do remember having the most fucked up experience at the gas station across from churchill's where i (and everyone else) could only get $0.28 in gasoline before the pump would stop itself.
yet the cashier kept selling it to us, only to refund our $x-.28 mere seconds later.

later that night, a 2am phone call from Amy jolted me awake.
i jumped up with plans to get dressed and leave, when amy gave me the best advice ever
"well, why don't you just sleep?"

honestly, it was like i hadn't even considered that as an option for weeks.
i was startled at the suggestion.
i could just sleep comfortably in my own bed tonight.
thus, thursday morning began one in the best days i've had in a while.

contexxxt @ 2005-10-05T01:32:00

2005-10-05T06:56:32Z

i'm passing in and out of consciousness in the Chemical Engineering building.
living life on the edge with academia again.
little sleep and last minute attempts.

Dr. Tague walked into class sombre today.
he didn't even acknowledge that "it was a good day for anthropology."
a first.
i think he already knew that the majority of his class would fail their first exam in the next 40 minutes.
a prime signal was when a student walked up to him and asked "is this the right room for Antrho?"
implying that said student was probably attending class for the first time in 2 months.

at least afterward i was able to finally eat at Atcha's with Geoff, Canty, Amy.
we laid the plans for our Acoustic/Cover band featuring corny nu-metal tunes and maybe a bit of branching out.
i'm eager to begin, but the first step is for everyone to obtain instrumentsANDskills.

while sitting in the design building's courtyard, i browsed Tiger Weekly.
amazingly, i saw that Systolic will be playing at Click's tonight (wed).
everything is so weird.

nostalgia!
i was taken back to their renditions of "cumbersome," "ain't no sunshine," and all of my stevie ray vaughn requests.
also memories of running into my art teacher at the same venue (several times), dressed in traditional Monk garb, copping a feel while sloshing his martini all over me.

i have to go for sentimental reasons.
marystasia is joining me, since those trips to the Pioneer Pub have context for her as well.

after months of passing it by, i finally went into the cafe Brew-Ha-Ha.
i was skeptical bc i habitually find things attractive in passing, but gravely disappointing upclose.
omfg,though. i'll be stationed there permanently.

contexxxt @ 2005-10-01T09:22:00

2005-10-01T13:49:21Z

my neighborhood is so nice when there aren't bandits jumping out of Synagogue windows during nighthours or elderly white women (repeatedly) telling me how they were mugged a few feet away from my front gate.

i forgot what it was like to walk outside and be chilly.
i'll be going to class more often, mainly for the romanticism i associate with wearing a turtleneck+scarf and strolling around campus on an overcast day with a few books in hand.

it's October 1st.
this month always starts off fucking well, but as it progresses my will to live steadily decreases.

last year it resulted in the first of eventually 7 breakups with one person.
and me making an impromptu 11pm night-trip , alone, covering ALL of Mississippi, with intentions of never returning:

anyway in 2 hours, myersexy and i will both turn 19, and scott weiland will be back on his way to prison.

all i want for my birthday is good vodka and an even better orgasm.

amazingly my birthday wishes remain the same, simple yet surprisingly unobtainable.

notfortheseason and i are among the last few of our peers on the verge of giving up our teenage years, forever. for me, at least, it means that i've wasted 47% of my life so thus far.
let's celebrate.

today i'm working for 12 hours. i can honestly say i hate everyone.
but perhaps by 9pm the mood will be lifted as i frantically try to fit in getting crunk @ Amy's, chemistry, and sleep before returning back to work at 6:45am.
i've found that Shiraz, though low in electrolytes, provides a good boost before jogging or 12 hour shifts.

contexxxt @ 2005-09-29T17:30:00

2005-09-29T22:04:29Z

oh god.

i made it 1/4 classes today.

i was on a roll, until Anthropology.
Canty arrived, and when we realized Geoff was absent, we left with greater things in mind.

After lunch with Jessica, I convinced Canty to make a trek to my car in Lot X.
i only intended for a quick jaunt to purchase wine at Marcello's, back in time for my 4:30.

it turned into a journey of [frugal] decadence.
on the first stop, I discovered Haribo's Fruit Salad and some silk lanterns.
i came up with an Ideal Scenario of "getting laid" near the flooring/home section of World Market while eating only the Grapefruit pieces of Haribo's candy.
we both agreed anyone would die of sensory overload.

lately i've been yearning for wrought iron.
a few minutes ago, when i parked my car, i noticed that the huge embellished iron posts lining the stairs to the Synagogue next door have simply fallen over.
i've restrained myself so far.
i do think about how nice they would look in my courtyard or bathroom though.

at Circa 1857, i intended to buy a small antique iron cross or something similar to add the finishing touches on my shack/apt.
i walked away with:

a motherfucking chandelier. so impractical, but so hott.
i have no idea of how i'm going to hang it from the ceiling.
i have no idea why i wasn't in class instead.

i apparently aspire to be an old spinster with a house and yard exactly like Circa 1857, filled with useless trinkets, mostly wooden or rusted iron crosses and elaborate fountains.

we did end up buying wine.
i planned to take a swig before my run, but forgot that i don't own a corkscrew.

my apt is now fit to entertain guests (instead of only on/in my bed, as in the past).
i've finally decorated and adorned after a year of living here.
the courtyard's currently lush as well.

feel free to visit.
preferrably for a much needed intervention.
before i'm forced to drop out again.

contexxxt @ 2005-09-18T22:08:00

2005-09-19T03:04:54Z

this is unquestionably lame
but i'm going to admit that i really enjoy Cold.
"ugly" and "strip her down" from the first album are among my personal staples.
On my first or second night of knowing Jessica, we were in my room on 3rdwest. i was explaining my love of "Scooter's" shaven head, eyeliner, and consequent melancholy.
she looked mortified, but interested.
which is what i've found to be the response i usually evoke from most people.

so, my week has been made:
i've found this acoustic version of "Stupid Girl"
we can all agree that this was one of the worst songs of 2003 that we would come across on tv or radio.
wtf though, this version edges on beautiful, in and only by my own context i'm sure.

i do have this thing for soft acoustic renderings of cheesy late-90's numetal songs.
also, on cover songs,
i've always endorsed that the deftones should do "little wing" just for my personal benefit.
this would be the end to everything musical i would ever require.

yesterday i worked from 6:45a.m. to 3pm.
i then jogged in the hot unforgiving afternoon sun, so that after the first few miles, i had chills and was even cold. (i.e. experiencing the first stages of heat exhaustion.)
a bit later, peterfish and i studied at Charlie's until 11pm.
and randomly ended up with jenni payne others.
around 3a.m. i forced myself to a 'nap' in notfortheseason's bed.
then woke up for 5:20 to go to work again this morning.
where i spent 8 more hours. then napped for 40 minutes.
and now, ive returned from the track where today i occasionally raced this adorable 9-year-old boy who followed me around.
i'll probably go to Amy C's tonight and stay up. work is at 6:30a.m. tomorrow.

this recap is only presented to demonstrate how insane i am for doing this daily.
it's only that, i can't fucking sleep. and it happened frequently enough throughout years for me to know exactly what it implies.
it wouldn't be that bad if i could just force myself to spend the insomnia by studying, so i at least won't fuck up my third chance in school.

my landlord wants me to commission a "strong, capable male friend" to help she and i lay some concrete or, more likely, elegant stone-work to extend the driveway.

contexxxt @ 2005-09-16T20:07:00

2005-09-17T00:18:06Z

i made the mistake of napping around 5pm.
i somehow woke myself up at 7:00pm on the mark, and it was pitch black outside.
wtf, yesterday there were a whole 45 mintues of sunlight still left at this point.
i didn't know this seasonal change can occur in the course of one morning.
i hate those noonday naps in autumn where you wake up in the [dark] evening, feeling like you've lost something and, consequently, violated.

especially when it begins to thunder and storm exactly upon your waking.
i haven't even seen rain in 3 weeks.